In 2015, I left my life behind and went to Thailand. Or thought I did. I brought along with me a lifetime of habits, stowaways in the secret compartments of my mind and body.

I quested for coherence, had a lot of adventures, met many people who gave me insight into myself. I realized I am nothing and everything at the same time, the subject and object collapse at the intersection of mind and matter, that there is a vast void — and that at the end of the day, it doesn’t quite matter all the spiritual revelations that a person has, if he or she can’t take those revelations into the minutiae of everyday life.

I started a company, Compassionate Technologies, as a way to give myself the space and freedom to grow myself both spiritually and in the practical world. The pressures of the practical world were heavy, and I found myself overworked and craving for social validation. Exactly the things I’d tried to leave behind.

In April 2017, I reached a decision point. Where I couldn’t hide behind the ‘veil of my own delusions’ any longer. I realized with full clarity that I was addicted to work, and that it was a problem. I stopped all work and even told my family not to let me open the computer.

The following month was what I thought, the most difficult weeks of my life. The work didn’t stop immediately, I’d cheat here and there, of course, as addicts tend to do. But I watched myself, and when I cheated, I recognized it and asked myself why, and made a resolution not to do so the next time. That actually worked pretty well.

The next months were progressively dark and painful, as I shed away more layers, and got closer to the core pains that I had been using work as a cover and bandage for.

I found my way back to vipassana meditation, also known as insight or body scanning meditation, and found an environment that would give me a safe environment to fall apart in, and a community of other people dedicated to the same process of self discovery, growth, and healing.

I’m not entirely ready to come back, I don’t feel healed or like I know all the answers. But I also realize, that I’ll never be entirely ready for anything.

What I am ready for is the present moment. I’m ready for reality as it is, in it’s sometimes overwhelming nature, or it’s awe inspiring moments, or it’s simple, peaceful, empty moments.

With that attitude, I’m ready to move forward with my life, and stop hiding behind reasons, causes, jobs, or ideologies to give me purpose and direction — I’m ready to just be, and take things one step at a time.

So what does that mean practically? I’m applying to Ph.D. programs in computational neuroscience, looking at jobs working as staff in a research lab, or positions in business development for research departments or technology translation institutes.

In the meantime, I love writing and my mind is always swirling at the intersection of science, technology, business, and human experience — I’ll be publishing poetry or short thoughts weekly through my personal newsletter.

I’ll occasionally edit and publish promising science writers on Compassionate Technologies, giving them a well-edited byline to help them move onto bigger publications and keep some interesting content coming through the pipeline.

And that’s… my life. Thanks for reading 🙂